I need to.......
Exercise
Do laundry
Go grocery shopping
Eat healthy
Redecorate
Call so and so, so and so, and so and so
Be happy to be me
Make lunch
Make dinner
Clean the house
Organize the closets
Pray........for everything
Kid's homework
Date husband
Be a good friend
Change the WORLD!!!!
I need to, I need to , I need to. I think that is the most infamous phrase of my vocabulary. Isn't it true though? There is always something to be done. We women frantically work ourselves up in to a frenzy trying to complete the never ending list of to do's. Tasking is necessary for sure. Things literally must be done for the world to continue on it's axiom and for everyone to live on. Imagine life without food, or the filth we would live in if cleaning didn't happen. So in light of this I have to appreciate the beauty of everyday lists. There is, however, a side of this that can reach unhealthy, pressure filled, performance driven levels. Let's chat about that, shall we??
Where to draw the line?? I am one of those people that tends to be all or nothing. I will go through seasons of go and keep on going. I will feel accomplished and proud of everything in the "done" list. I am awakened on a daily basis with a sense of well being in the needs to do, not overwhelmed and feeling unable. Feed the monkeys...check. Clean the house....check. Solve the problems of someone I love....check. Feel good about one's self....check! I love that place. I am not forced to do anything outside my ability or realm of possibility of growth or stretching. After all, life is filled with the true desire to expand for sure.
What about when I am not in the "all" column and more like in the "nothing" category? My whole perception of myself can get a tad bit askew. I become somewhat obsessed with the list of need to's or should haves. I focus on the fact that they are not getting done, and in that place for some reason the list gets longer and longer without any slowing it down. It is compounded by the fact that I do not seem to have it to give that day or else the day doesn't have it to give to me. OK, I know some of you are probably thinking "suck it up sister, who wouldn't rather be in Bermuda?"
I hear that....but, it is not the fact that I don't want to or that I am unmotivated that I want to focus on. (that can be a whole other post) I want to hone in on the feelings of inadequacy that hover.
Here's the thing. Everything gets done....eventually. It is kind of like potty training. A friend of mine once reminded me that she has never met a high school student that was still in diapers. They all eventually give in and you get'r done. (I can happily report that we crossed that bridge very recently with the youngest and are doing the "woo hoo it's over" dance!) The same is true with the "list". So why then is it so easy to self judge when my system is unique to me and not like yours maybe? Releasing myself into the life of freedom is so hard, and yet becoming so innately fulfilling all at once. When I realized that "they" don't really have a say in who I am except for the voice I have given them. In fact, my own expectations are the "they" more than anyone or anything. I had to sit back and say "wow, I didn't see that comin'." The truth is that I am not what I do.....I am who I am. The healthiest version of that is the ability to be who I am and out of that comfort do what is there to do, for me, for my family and for others. Doing it from a heart that is full and happy is where I am endeavouring to be and stay. You with me on this one?
Exercise
Do laundry
Go grocery shopping
Eat healthy
Redecorate
Call so and so, so and so, and so and so
Be happy to be me
Make lunch
Make dinner
Clean the house
Organize the closets
Pray........for everything
Kid's homework
Date husband
Be a good friend
Change the WORLD!!!!
I need to, I need to , I need to. I think that is the most infamous phrase of my vocabulary. Isn't it true though? There is always something to be done. We women frantically work ourselves up in to a frenzy trying to complete the never ending list of to do's. Tasking is necessary for sure. Things literally must be done for the world to continue on it's axiom and for everyone to live on. Imagine life without food, or the filth we would live in if cleaning didn't happen. So in light of this I have to appreciate the beauty of everyday lists. There is, however, a side of this that can reach unhealthy, pressure filled, performance driven levels. Let's chat about that, shall we??
Where to draw the line?? I am one of those people that tends to be all or nothing. I will go through seasons of go and keep on going. I will feel accomplished and proud of everything in the "done" list. I am awakened on a daily basis with a sense of well being in the needs to do, not overwhelmed and feeling unable. Feed the monkeys...check. Clean the house....check. Solve the problems of someone I love....check. Feel good about one's self....check! I love that place. I am not forced to do anything outside my ability or realm of possibility of growth or stretching. After all, life is filled with the true desire to expand for sure.
What about when I am not in the "all" column and more like in the "nothing" category? My whole perception of myself can get a tad bit askew. I become somewhat obsessed with the list of need to's or should haves. I focus on the fact that they are not getting done, and in that place for some reason the list gets longer and longer without any slowing it down. It is compounded by the fact that I do not seem to have it to give that day or else the day doesn't have it to give to me. OK, I know some of you are probably thinking "suck it up sister, who wouldn't rather be in Bermuda?"
I hear that....but, it is not the fact that I don't want to or that I am unmotivated that I want to focus on. (that can be a whole other post) I want to hone in on the feelings of inadequacy that hover.
Here's the thing. Everything gets done....eventually. It is kind of like potty training. A friend of mine once reminded me that she has never met a high school student that was still in diapers. They all eventually give in and you get'r done. (I can happily report that we crossed that bridge very recently with the youngest and are doing the "woo hoo it's over" dance!) The same is true with the "list". So why then is it so easy to self judge when my system is unique to me and not like yours maybe? Releasing myself into the life of freedom is so hard, and yet becoming so innately fulfilling all at once. When I realized that "they" don't really have a say in who I am except for the voice I have given them. In fact, my own expectations are the "they" more than anyone or anything. I had to sit back and say "wow, I didn't see that comin'." The truth is that I am not what I do.....I am who I am. The healthiest version of that is the ability to be who I am and out of that comfort do what is there to do, for me, for my family and for others. Doing it from a heart that is full and happy is where I am endeavouring to be and stay. You with me on this one?
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I need to....tell you that I love that we are all invited into the secret places of your heart...where I'm convinced that most of us, if not all of us totally sigh relief that we're not alone! I'm relating to every expressed word! It's freedom to know that we are so alike in so many ways, and yet so unique in special ways. We totally have permission to be! And to rest! And to enjoy our full lives! I love reading these again and again--I must say it! Until that magical moment when we get to be together again! xoxoxo
DITTO, Chrissy! I know I'll be re-reading these from time to time, just to get perspective when I need it and know I'm not alone.
I, too, am a born doer and am learning to just "be". I don't know if I'm learning it well, or just seeing a decline in energy levels, but I've eased up on myself and have found more balance I think. I do what I can when I can. If I'm not feeling up to par one day, I scrap the to-do list and don't feel guilty about it. Other days, I surprise myself with what I've accomplished. It's a mixed bag. I feel a little undisciplined sometimes, but for me, it's an improvement over perfectionism and defeatism.
Thanks again, Linette!
This year I did realize that when I'm not home, or anyone else for that matter, that list is cut in half and I could grow in other things. I know I made a shift where I am trying to be the writer of my list and be happy about being empowered intead of letting culture, religion, pressures or unnatural relationships have ALL of the writing power. It feels like a deep calm.
I love that Jenn. AND it is very true that when you are busy and life is more than just your household, it is somehow a bit easier to surrender and not feel so demanded upon. Do you think it is because as women in the home, we have to prove that we are useful and busy?? Maybe we put these crazy expectations on ourselves to be seen as worthy of something in stead of just being it because we are?
Chrissy and Robin,
You two are cheering me on so beautifully and I so appreciate both of your hearts. Thank you for taking this all seriously, yet having fun too!