Today, actually most of this week, has been sucky! Eloquent isn't it? It is the bare naked truth and the place that I am in at this present moment. I am overwhelmed with thoughts and ideas constantly bombarding my mind and my heart. The "how to's" if you will, to change this present state. I could do (or already have done) this or that, call her or him, go to the gym, eat something wrong yet scrumptious.....the answers are seemingly endless really. I have lived in a perpetual position of depression before. This is not the same. This is not the text book version of being blue and living there. This is almost the opposite. This is the opening of my eyes into a realm unknown and being scared to breach the doorway. Being wholeheartedly abandoned to the road and pathway before me is the battle I am fighting. That's it. As I sit here writing, and thinking and bearing my soul...to my own detriment very possibly...I am realizing that the sadness of soul I am experiencing is the unveiling of the truth hidden deep inside. I am scared! I really am, and the part that scares me the most is the part that I am admittedly shaking in my boots. Normally I would say that as long as the boots are cute and chic...all is well, shake away :). This time I could not care less about what they look like or who would think them worthy, I am definitely focused on the feet inside of them. They are my feet and nobody can make them walk, run, dance or skip other than me. I am the initiator of their movement. I am NOT the author of their steps......I am the one behind the agreement to their destiny.

So where is this going???? Funny you should ask, I am not sure! I live in a culture where the impossible is challenged daily. People's lives are constantly being turned upside down and inside out. They are being healed of incurable diseases, they are coming back to loved ones far from reach, they are experiencing a level of relationship with their creator that could not even be imagined, etc, etc. When I say "they or them" I am not excluding myself and my family. We too can be counted in their good company. The point I am trying to make is that there is no excuse for the doubt, the longing, or the utter disregard for the realities unseen. See, I am sad that I have challenged my Creator with the questions of how and why. I know better. I know that it is all in and through Him and His design. I know that I have choices in this life, but truth be told I already signed up. I want to live a life so full that it is breathtaking. I guess that is what I am after. A life of wind....I love the wind. So anytime there is stillness I begin feeling the need of breeze, and that leads to the desire of full gale force! I am a mover and a shaker and this girl has sat still far too long. But in this place I am reminded that it is my heart He is after. He loves my obedience and desire to soar beyond my limitations, but above it all He wants me. So in this trip of mine into the outermost places of freedom and authenticity I have to stop and smell the roses of heaven. Relax and enjoy the ride instead of thinking about which one I will get on next, and how long the line might be. Whether it will be the Ferris wheel or the roller coaster does not really matter. This theme park of my life has always been far beyond my expectations and well worth sifting through the crowd to enjoy!!!

I was working out this morning, listening to my music and overall loving life. I find myself in a state of ponderment (my word) when I am engaged in putting the "flesh" down if you will. I think about some important things, some random things, and often times just stupid things. Today I was considering a lot, and in those moments I, for some reason, started thinking about the phrase "have your cake and eat it too." I think the older I have gotten, the more I have figured out, or have had it explained to me, what random phrases like that mean or where they came from. Everything and everyone has a history....fabulous or horrendous...it is history.

So back to the phrase in question. I began to think about having a lot of cash. I know, seemingly shallow, but if you knew all that my husband and I have before to accomplish, you would understand. Anyway, so I was thinking about how often times people who walk into the destiny of stockpiles of greenbacks, also hit the "issues" that come with all of it. The taxes, the greed, the wanting distant relatives, the demands of so much and so many. Then I actually said to the Lord " God, I want my cake and I want to eat it too!!" How ridiculous and spoiled am I??? Seriously though this was my heart in the matter. Who do you know that if you were to give them cake, wouldn't want to eat it???? Seriously? If you give me cake, heck ya I am going to dig in! I am a lover of many things sweet good. Not all things...but many. I am a bit of a sweet good snob too....I like really good stuff, but who doesn't? Anyway, whether there is sugar involved or not, the question remains, why can't I eat it too?

I realized that I am expecting negative ramifications from the goodness given to me in life. Yikes, I hate that. I hate that I am thinking that when there is the unfolding of destiny in our lives necessary to advance in our dreams, I am still in a place of anticipating the inevitable dropping of the other shoe!

Where does this leave me? Well, honestly at this very moment I am very sad that what I wrote above has truth. On the other hand, my spirit is alive with the possibility of encounter with Truth that will hugely outweigh the junk still left behind. Everybody has a different "cake" in their life. Mine is just partially what I shared. I have so much brewing and churning on the inside of my being, I cannot wait to watch it all unfold. Meanwhile I am left to chew on this: the eating of the cake is up to me. Whether there is ice cream on the side, or if it is doused with ganache....if it goes untouched, the fault is mine. What I miss out on in life is the choice I make. With the cake comes the responsibilities of the calories and the fat.....so, I think I will just ingest and then hit the gym!!!!

Have you ever had times in your life when you were just bursting with the desire for the shoe to be on the other foot? I have....I am right now, actually. I have amazing in-laws. I really do. They are the kind of people that I am truly ecstatic to introduce as being a part of me. I can only claim them through marriage, of course, but we claim each other beyond the vows I think. And after years of truly getting to know one another we are family. It hasn't always been easy. We have had our battles and differences of opinion for sure, but this fight has paid off with huge dividends. We decided individually and together that we were going to be invested in the other one. This wasn't a formal decision notarized and signed in blood, but it was a heart cry first. I woke up one day and I found myself at a loss because I felt as though there was something missing in this relationship. You know the truth of it, we were different and yet very similar. I think that happens a lot. In marriage scenarios especially. You say "I do" to the whole gang, not just the one you eagerly anticipating to join to. People underestimate the power of lifetime relationship and its affects on them. It is in many ways a package deal.

When Mark and I first married, I came into a completely different life than I was used to. I remember having a knock at the door on several occasions and opening it to LOADS of groceries and necessities....with their smiling faces behind them. There they were with nothing in mind but the desire to see us fed, clothed and happy. I truly did not know what to do with this kind of influx. Christmas was like Costco under lights. No joke. We would get toilet paper, shampoo and chili and tuna and anything else non-perishable they could stuff in a ginormous stocking. They would literally wrap everything that was able to be. If tape would stick to it...it was wrapped! Incredible, but my insecurities kicked in and instead of seeing it for what it was....amazing people speaking a different love language than me operating exactly as they were made to....I saw it as an invasion. I think I thought that maybe they were saying that I had failed at being a wife and that they had to mend what was broken. I was young and a little stupid. Here I am sixteen years later, instead of resenting, embracing this culture they have created in such a way that I have to be like them when I grow up. Here is my newest epiphany (I love that word). Receiving is so necessary to move onto greatness in giving. Believe me that giving out of need is also so necessary, but I think sometimes it is pride that pushes us in that direction rather than humility. Here's the deal. If we always have the ability to make it all on our own we are missing out on so much more to life. We can become like an island out in the sea. Beautiful from afar off, but when stranded there, not so much the paradise we perceived it to be.

I am learning so much right now in my life. I look at every situation, good and bad, as an open door into the wondrous world way beyond me. I am resistant to open my eyes all the way at times, but even through the slits some light still gets in. My amazing family, on both sides, have given of who they are and what they have over and over to support who we are and where we are headed. I have in the past reluctantly accepted out of pure survival. I now have understanding of the reverberating effect that comes from receiving what God has provided no matter what source He chooses to use to give it.I also comprehend how imperative it is for me to take what is being offered. In turn others have their tanks filled with the satisfaction of giving away more of who they are, and so the circle of life continues. Whichever side of the coin you might find yourself on, I encourage you to embrace it, relax, and go the distance. It is an opportunity to be forever changed by the power of humility!