Today, actually most of this week, has been sucky! Eloquent isn't it? It is the bare naked truth and the place that I am in at this present moment. I am overwhelmed with thoughts and ideas constantly bombarding my mind and my heart. The "how to's" if you will, to change this present state. I could do (or already have done) this or that, call her or him, go to the gym, eat something wrong yet scrumptious.....the answers are seemingly endless really. I have lived in a perpetual position of depression before. This is not the same. This is not the text book version of being blue and living there. This is almost the opposite. This is the opening of my eyes into a realm unknown and being scared to breach the doorway. Being wholeheartedly abandoned to the road and pathway before me is the battle I am fighting. That's it. As I sit here writing, and thinking and bearing my soul...to my own detriment very possibly...I am realizing that the sadness of soul I am experiencing is the unveiling of the truth hidden deep inside. I am scared! I really am, and the part that scares me the most is the part that I am admittedly shaking in my boots. Normally I would say that as long as the boots are cute and chic...all is well, shake away :). This time I could not care less about what they look like or who would think them worthy, I am definitely focused on the feet inside of them. They are my feet and nobody can make them walk, run, dance or skip other than me. I am the initiator of their movement. I am NOT the author of their steps......I am the one behind the agreement to their destiny.

So where is this going???? Funny you should ask, I am not sure! I live in a culture where the impossible is challenged daily. People's lives are constantly being turned upside down and inside out. They are being healed of incurable diseases, they are coming back to loved ones far from reach, they are experiencing a level of relationship with their creator that could not even be imagined, etc, etc. When I say "they or them" I am not excluding myself and my family. We too can be counted in their good company. The point I am trying to make is that there is no excuse for the doubt, the longing, or the utter disregard for the realities unseen. See, I am sad that I have challenged my Creator with the questions of how and why. I know better. I know that it is all in and through Him and His design. I know that I have choices in this life, but truth be told I already signed up. I want to live a life so full that it is breathtaking. I guess that is what I am after. A life of wind....I love the wind. So anytime there is stillness I begin feeling the need of breeze, and that leads to the desire of full gale force! I am a mover and a shaker and this girl has sat still far too long. But in this place I am reminded that it is my heart He is after. He loves my obedience and desire to soar beyond my limitations, but above it all He wants me. So in this trip of mine into the outermost places of freedom and authenticity I have to stop and smell the roses of heaven. Relax and enjoy the ride instead of thinking about which one I will get on next, and how long the line might be. Whether it will be the Ferris wheel or the roller coaster does not really matter. This theme park of my life has always been far beyond my expectations and well worth sifting through the crowd to enjoy!!!